The World of Angy Wong

The rain subsided as we huddled inside a lobby of a deteriorated  hotel. The walls were covered with mud, bullet holes and black dust most likely from the smoke that had consumed the building weeks prior. Furniture was sparse yet there were limbs of chairs and tables randomly scattered around the room. The only light came from the setting sun which was disappearing slowly. It would not be long before we would be sitting in complete darkness listening to the sounds of gunfire and bombs which despite being quite a distance a way, still felt closer than we were comfortable.

There were six of us, though I could only make out the faces of three people – Leoma, Tracy and Aaron. We sat on two makeshift benches facing each other. None of us said a word as we waited and Leoma finally stood up and spoke, “Well, I guess I should get going now.”

All of us had been dreading this moment. The idea of losing a friend was unbearable and I could not stand the idea of her leaving alone. I immediately stood up and said, “I’m coming with you.” The rest of the group remained silent. Nobody protested or even lifted their heads to acknowledge our departure. Their guilt ate away at them but yet, they said nothing. I held Leoma’s left hand in my right and she said one final good-bye before we turned and walked towards the glass door. We heard a faint “good luck” as we exited the dilapidated building.

As we walked towards the setting sun, I noticed the sky was streaked with pink, orange and red. It was remarkable to see such beauty still present in this hub of destruction and despaire. We walked mainly in silence and suddently it  me. I became consumed with trepidation and could not focus on anything but my fear of dying. I realized the severity of my decision and the inevitable consequence.   I was not ready to die. I did not want to die. At that moment, all I wanted to do was let go of her hand and run back to the hotel as fast I could. Ironically, after days of thinking that death was imminent in the hotel, I could only see the hotel as a sanctuary in that very moment. Yet, despite my fear, I did not let go of her hand and I continued on the journey. It was Leoma that let go.

She stopped abruptly and looked at me. “Why are you coming with me? You don’t have to.”

“I know but I don’t want you to go alone.” I replied, tears forming in my eyes.

With an almost eerie calm about her, she said softly, “but they did not summon you. They summoned me. I will go alone. They want to execute only me. You had nothing to do with what I did. Go back.”

At this point, tears streamed down my eyes uncontrollably and I threw my arms around her. “But I don’t want you to die alone.”

She patted my back and said, “It’s okay. Just go back. I have to go alone.”

I pulled away from her and said, “But I will never see you again.”

“I know but maybe we will. We don’t know for sure. Please go back. Please.” With those last words she turned towards the sun which was barely visible at this point, and continued walking.

I watched her until she disappeared from my sight. When she was gone, I stood there trying to find some comfort in her peaceful demeanor when she said her final words to me. Leoma had accepted the idea of her ultimate demise and in doing so, she no longer feared dying alone.

Turning around, I walked towards the direction of which I came. By the time I arrived back the the hotel, the sun was completely gone and the moon stood in its rightful place against the velvet black night. I could see the faint outline of my companions. They had not moved as they sat motionless, staring at the ground. I took a seat next to Aaron and rest my head on his shoulder.

“I have to go tomorrow.”

I jerked my head up and looked at him. “What do you mean?”

“They sent a letter summoning me. I have to be there by May 15th.” He said calmly and showed me a piece of paper he was holding the whole time.

“But you can’t! You didn’t do anything. You can’t go.” I cried irrationally as I pushed the paper out of my way.

“There’s nothing I can do. If I don’t go, they’ll come here and kill us all.”

I could sense the fear in him and at that moment, I was glad for the darkness. I did not want to see the guilt-ridden faces of my companions nor the hopelessness in his eyes.

“You can’t go. I heard that they are going to give everyone who has been summoned until May 30th to report for execution. You don’t have to go tomorrow. Wait until May 30th, maybe the war would be over by then. Maybe they will be overthrown and leave by then. Please, just wait until May 30th.” I pleaded with him desperately and squeezed his hands, tears forming in my eyes.

“I can’t. I was summoned for May 15th. I can’t take that chance. It’ll be okay.” He replied, his voice cracking when he said “okay.”

“Just wait. I swear I read it somewhere. I’ll find it. Please just wait until May 30th.” I let go of his hand and ran to the other room. I knew I was lying and that there was no evidence of my words, and yet, I convinced myself to frantically search for something that transform my lie to truth. I searched through the rubble of the other room as I felt time slipping by quickly. After an immeasurable amount of time had passed, I ran back to the other room with a plan to convince Aaron to stay until May 30th. I would talk until he agreed to it. I would grab his arms and not let go until he agreed to stay.

When I returned to the lobby, he was gone.

Romantic Arrival

I went to Mexico in April with two of my best friends, Grace and Tracy. We had a fabulous time and this was the list we made up of the most memorable moments of that week:

1. “Computer Guy” dancing sexy after Mexican Michael Jackson show on the second night we were there. Grace has the last 5 seconds of it on film.
2. Raoul… specifically, Raoul taking his shirt off.
3. Tracy hitting her head on the headboard hard after she declared, “I’m tired. I’m going back to sleep…BAM!”
4. Tracy not noticing someone took Angela’s chair at Xel-Ha’s breakfast buffet even though the chair was right in front of her and she was supposed to be “watching” our stuff.
5. Tracy thinking the fire alarm was a clock after 2 days of being in our hotel room and saying there was no working clock in the room.
6. Tracy and Grace peeing in the ocean –> Tracy’s first time ever! We were so proud…
7. Tracy taking 4 Mexican “immodiums” within 8 hours of buying them.
8. Angela getting 33 mosquito bites on her leg within arriving for only 2 hours at the resort.
9. Grace confusing the someone else for the tour guide, then followed him and led us and a bunch of several other tourists to the wrong bus.
10. Xel-Ha! Angy and Grace abandoning their tubes and Angy threw-up because of the heat stroke she was getting while sitting uncomfortably on that damn tube.
11. Napping at Hammock Island at Xel-Ha. (refer to picture below)
12. Watching the last Canucks game of the season in Playa del Carm at the Tequila barrel restaurant. Canucks defeated the Avalanche 1-0!
13. Tracy and Grace getting sick for the last half of the trip. We stayed close to the washroom.
14. Tracy’s oozing ankle which turned the pillow orange.
15. Grace’s sunburnt shoulder and Tracy hitting in a lot even though in her defense, she “couldn’t help it.”
16. Tracy sporting 2 pairs of white linen pants which symbolizes that she’ll probably marry a guy with linen pants who owns a yacht.
17. “Ooot-Ooot!” – Mexican host at Sandos Caracol.
18. Aaron’s worrisomeness and leaving a message at the hotel and still wanting to call the Canadian embassy.
19. Tracy ripping off the concession guy at the airport when her sandwich cost 5 dollars but she gave him only 4 and then walked away saying, “4 dollars, okay?”

It was a GREAT trip and I think for myself, the best part (besides all our laughing and gossiping) was when we were in the Brazilian restaurant and we saw several families that obviously travelled to Mexico together. I asked Grace and Tracy if she could see our future families doing that in the future, and they both replied “yes” and it would be fun if our families did something similar. That warmed my heart and made me smile because it reconfirmed for me how deep our friendship really is and that it’s one that will last a lifetime.

I recently came across a blog that seemed to emphasize that the foundation of the blogger’s happiness is based on her net-worth. It also appears that her whole family has the same mentality though they did attempt to mask that superficial reasoning with the fact that it’s due to their positive thinking that have led them to have a great net-worth which in turn made them happy. Yet, I have a feeling that if they did not think so highly of their monetary value, they would not be as “happy” as they are. One of them even called his wife’s siblings “mediocre” on the basis that they do not have a substantial net-worth.

Reading the entry, I felt infuriated as I could see myself being categorized as “mediocre” in their eyes. Yet, I try to tell myself that their opinions really do not matter as I barely know them. This led to me thinking about the basis of how I value myself? How do I measure myself self-worth? What are the factors that make me feel like I’m a happy and fulfilled person? Is it money? Material goods? Friends? Love? Respect from others?

I think when it comes down to it, I value myself because I know that I’m a good person. I try to do what’s right in terms of my relationships with my friends and family.  I am extremely protective of my family and friends and I constantly work hard to maintain these relationships. Ultimately, my joys are only realized when people I care about can share in on them.

I also want to better the world and contribute to society. I do not dream of being a self-made millionaire nor do I want to be a person that places too much value on material items. Depending on money or things to make you happy is a recipe for disaster because there’s always going to be a part of you that is not quite fulfilled. There will always be newer items, more expensive things, and before you know it, you’re caught up with always wanting more. I make a conscious decision to not fall into that mindset because I do not want to live a life where I know I’m not entirely happy with life because there is still a lot more I can acquire. I want to know that when I die, I spent my time making a difference in people’s lives especially those who are less fortunate than I am rather than focusing on acquiring a net-worth and deluding myself that money is all that really matters and is the only factor in measuring success. Perhaps I’m idealistic and I haven’t suffered enough poverty, but from my own life experiences, I learnd early on that yes, money can help make a situation better but money does not necessarily make a person feel fulfilled.

Pause

… no matter how hard I try, it just doesn’t feel like it’s enough and I’m left feeling disappointed in nobody more so than myself.